They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
