A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
