My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Green mimosas i think yes
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
