Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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