so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
