i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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