Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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