I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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