haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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