So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
