i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
