New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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