bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
