bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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