at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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