im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
