I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
