I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
