You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
