her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
