I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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