apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
