his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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