Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
