what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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