if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
That's intense
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
