hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
