I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
