First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
