I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
