They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Randomize
