no, he came in my armpit
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
