I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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