i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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