Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
