new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
