Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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