Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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