Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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