im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
