I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
