Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
