ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
