I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
