I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
