Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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