Don't make out with my wife yet
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
