theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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