and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
