I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
