So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
