Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
